Motivational Gifts in Motion

Mind, Will, and Emotions

2011-01-27T11:23:00.000-08:00

"There are only three kinds of churches," the late prophet A.W. Tozer of the Christian Missionary Alliance once said, "there is the mind church, the will church, and the emotional church."

What he meant was that there are churches the are primarily focused on the mind and teaching. They are scholars and non-scholars, always looking into the Bible for some new thing, meeting together to talk about the latest insight, asking questions and giving in depth answers. Forever looking at concepts and upholding doctrine in all it's theology. Appeals for people to change is always aimed at the mind. Hence the mind church.

There are also will churches. They are the ones that the are the doers. More than social action and all of the outreach of soup kitchens, midnight runs, taking care of people that are sick, they

also lead in serving, giving, preaching, witnessing, memorizing, fellowshipping, you name it. They are the doers of the body. Appeals for change is always aimed at the their wills, a simple decision they make. Hence the will church.

Then there is the emotion church. They are the ones that focus on people enjoying the service and the people. They have a huge welcome for new people to make them feel special. They are the ones that hug and cry and laugh a lot with other people. They are the ones that aim for your change by focusing on you feeling the truth or feeling the needs. Hence the emotion church.

Perhaps to simplistic for life is far more complicated. But perhaps there is at least a thought here that may help us navigate the gifts. For if we look at the gifts we see that the seven gifts can be seen in a circle. Perceiver is all will, they are all about doing. Teaching is all thinking and believing, they are all about your mindset, how you see life, yourself, God, and others. Compassion is all about feelings and emotions, how you feel the truth and live from the heart.

Then Adminstator is in the middle of Will and Mind.

Then Exhorter is in the middle of Mind and Emotions.

Then Server is in the middle of Emotions and Will.

But how is that helpful? I'm not sure. I guess there are a few applications from a teacher.

It may answer why your church leans a certain direction given it's leadership.
It may answer why your family leans a certain direction given it's leadership.
It may answer why your job leans a certain direction given it's leadership.

God made us and wired us in a certain way. While it is tempting to try to fix all the holes and weak areas, we might try embracing our weakness and limitations and focusing on what we can do not what we can't. So instead of trying to fix the bent, accept your God-given bent and

Ask God to help you work with it rather than against it.

Ask God to give you friends to help guard you from your weak areas and blind spots.

Find people to connect to that work in your bent.

Find activities to do that work in your bent.

That will greatly honor and glorify God.

Forgetting the Difficulties in Teaching MGs

2010-08-28T06:37:00.000-07:00

Teaching the Motivational Gifts has caused me to realize that there are several things that make me hesitant to proceed going house to house with the teaching.
1. Manipulation of the teaching by kids.
2. Fear of being put in a box.
3. Teaching without accompanied by boundaries teaching.
4. Fear of making MGs into selfish ambition or vain conceit - the WHAT I DO gives me value.

First, coming alongside a young man that was really compassion oriented. His mom was more a perceiver. She could shut him down in an instant. His propensity was lie and that was a violation of his mom's core value of honesty. So I came alongside and without realizing it, ended up tying the hands of the parents and justifying the sin of the child. I had no idea that I was being used by the kid. He had been buying his time, planning out his sin in the background. He put up a front of sincerity that I bought into. But I was hooked and reeled in as he so desired.

a. perhaps he skewed the results to justify how he wanted to be seen.
b. perhaps he analyzed the test and figured out how to play on the weaknesses of his parents.
c. perhaps he simply let me lead and behind the scenes used my words against me.

Second, I was sitting in a meeting and someone said, "I never want to take that test." I could so relate to that! I can remember my sister having figured me out was telling me how I was wired and how vulnerable and exposed I felt. I have already told of how much I hated the MGs in other another entry. To be figured out, boxed in, to be told how we are motivated is extremely scary! The fear is what will other people do with that information. Will they use it to hurt me, put me down, will they expose my weaknesses before others in humiliation? So most common is the person that skews the results of the test (either consciously or unconsciously through woundeness). This is simply the fear of being seen behind the self-protective shell, behind the fascade, behind the people pleaser, behind the false self.

Third, one family I gave the MGs to used it to figure out their children and I found out later than when the child was doing things totally inappropriate, the parents explained the children's behavior as part of their wiring. In this case the parents actually ended up justifying the inappropriateness of their children's behavior because they could see how God had made them. The problem is that the teaching was given but there was no accompanying teaching of boundaries with it. In other words, their was no understanding that as well as nurturing the strengths, the parents have a responsibility to curb, restrain, minimize the effects of the MG out of control! There has to be balance! There has to be check on the MG.

Fourth, I was with a friend a year ago, that now is about to be set in as an elder, and he was telling me about someone he knew well that was a server. It was her thing. In her serving she had the tendency to have tunnel vision, limited perspective, short sightedness that she couldn't see how the MG was the way she was finding her thing God gave her.

a. She was finding her feel good, value, satisfaction in what she did and not who she was to God.
b. WHAT SHE DID was more important that WHO SHE IS to God.
c. She, without realizing it, became almost a slave to the need of the moment and was unable to focus on other things because she was so wired to meet the need immediately as soon as she saw it. That's what servers do. But there has to be a weigh to stop!
d. Using the MG became more about her getting her needs met internally than helping people.

Blind spots - Do you know where they are?

2010-08-14T17:53:00.000-07:00

The body is not one, but many parts... We see in part, we prophesy in part.

There are all kinds of blind spots we can talk about. But let's just talk about the two most common blind spots for the Christian: motives and motivations. Motives have to do with how we are internally driven to make decisions. Whereas motivation has to do with how external factors stimulate us to respond to meet certain needs.

Motives - internal focus (i.e. why am I doing it? what need is it meeting in me?)
Motivations - external focus. (i.e. why am I doing it? what need is it meeting in others?)

Motives.

"Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the heart. (Pr.21:2) "For the heart is deceitful and desperately sick, who can know it. For I the Lord search the heart and minds of men..."(Jer.17:9,10) The spiritual man makes judgments about all things, but he himself is not subject to any man's judgment (1 Cor.2:15)

In the bible, motives are spoken of that which is hidden from us often by self-deception. In the NT we are invited to a relationship with God where we get choose and live from right motives. How is that possible? Because we are walking with God, that is part of the invitation of the gospel. That what is hidden to us by our flesh would be revealed by His Spirit so that we can choose to not do things out of fear, or desire to draw attention to ourselves, or to make people like us. But we get to live continually choosing to do things out of a good heart, a heart continually sifted by the Lord.

Motivational Gifts. (3 stories of Blind Spots)

1. Sitting across from the Perceiver/Administrator mom and Exhorter dad talking to their Administrative/Compassion son, I found myself giving the child the benefit of the doubt and dismissing the adults perspective. The child had fallen morally several times, but the issue was about broken trust. Unfortunately all I did was fuel the ability of the child to manipulate and deceive his parents. Because a teacher is safe, they are also some of the easiest to manipulate. Yes, servers, compassion, people can easily be pushed into something. It is the teacher that is most in danger of being blind-sided by the manipulative professed sincerity of a person's motives.

How we teachers need help to see what we can't see in the area of insincerity. Exhorters can believe in people but if they don't follow advice they can dismiss people as unwilling to do what they need to do to live in victory. But a teacher doesn't dismiss people. They are the most loyal you can get. They believe the best about themselves and others. They expect everyone to do right and get along once they have sufficient teaching.

2. Flash back to me teaching in MO. I kept pouring myself into the ones that no one else believed in. I thought I heard their "hearts," I thought I knew them better than others. But I would ignore all the character flaws and continue to pour into them believing the best. That's what teachers do, they teach, they stay with people, they bring new perspectives from all different angles until people get it. At least some do. But that blindness thing kept me from seeing what my young disciples really were. Why? Because I could ignore the behavior or present attitude as a phase that God was dealing with. But when things got worse or didn't ever change - I was dumb struck. How could that be? After all I poured into them? Was I so blind? Yes, and God used it. Even though at the time I was so dismissing of the views of other teachers/staff in the ministry.

Which brings me to my point. We need each other. Nobody can see the whole spectrum in one look. We need multiple perspectives or we will never realize that we are blind. I was on the phone with a friend and it was like b&w, right and wrong, all or nothing, selfish or godly. I was so struck that he was looking at the same picture I was looking at and seeing something so different. I was looking at woundedness, the roots of judgments and vows. Self-protection that creates gravitational pulls and he was looking at sinful responses/choices the person was making and how they were totally focused on themselves. How good to have other people in the body to help us to see the bigger picture.

3. Again I was talking to another friend and he (perceiver) was talking about his wife (compassion) and saying that she needs to base her emotions on the word of God. Even if she doesn't feel it she needs to line up herself with the bible. I (teacher) suggested maybe ignoring that truth and going to an extreme blessing her, ignoring the need for calling her to righteousness, may be the way to bring her back to balance. He (also compassion) seemed hurt so I apologized for dismissing his ideas. I explained how Mary was so hurt that she just needed blessing for years to bring her to place where she could begin to function again. [WOW! There's a theological time bomb to defend - ignore righteousness to focus on healing brokeness]

In any case it's not just the teacher that help seeing blind spots. Perceivers are blind to the people they can kill if they aren't careful. Exhorters are blind to how cut and dried they can be when people try and fail to do what they have done. Teachers are blind to people's real motives, including their own at times. Servers are blind that people can get slighted easily as their attention is more on the need of the moment. Administrators can become blind to how they are using people that don't really want to do what they are doing to achieve the administrators goals. Givers can be blind to the importance of other areas besides money and stewardship. And lastly Compassion people can be just as blind as teachers to people who use their pain to manipulate others.

Bottom Line: We all need each other. It takes God to take all the perspectives and turn us from debating who is right to putting them all together and seeing a mosiac of what God is doing. Ultimately we need to allow the Lord to show us our motives so that we can do things not out of woundedness (in either selfish ambition->power or vain conceit->pride) in getting our needs met (even if for personal validation), but we can do it for others out of a desire to glorify God.

Budgeting Emotions

2009-09-09T17:31:00.000-07:00

My wife can plan a trip she gets that Server thing going and she can nail all the possible needs that we may have on a given trip. If I get out of her way she will go to town. The car is packed, food stocked, Eli's toys and bags already, map is handy, the trip is timed to the hours and minutes including rest stops. She is amazing!

Only one thing she forgets... her own emotional health. I mean she has the whole thing strategically done so their is efficiency to the max, but she doesn't take into account how it will effect her emotionally.

So a few days ago talking with a friend he told about how it's almost like we need emotional budget. Or without realizing it we will give all of ourselves away and not be able to avoid burnout. The trick with the budget is staying out of the red. In an insightful book on the Sabbath the writer says that our emotional energy drains away without us realizing it, moment by moment, decision by decision until we have nothing to give.

We do have a budget it's our boundaries. We list our priorities and make decisions on what we are able to do and how much they line up with our priorities. When my best man was over a year ago he explained that marriage was like a bank account. If there are too many withdrawls and not enough deposits it won't be too long before the person has nothing to give and runs into problems. This is so true. The difficulty is the Spirit of the Age says we can accomplish more with less. We don't really need to do things the long way we can shorten it and get the same result. Pharoah told the Israelites to make more bricks with less straw. But our society today has come to the place where we are convinced that we can accomplish more with less. Cutting corners is all part of this following the spirit of the world.

Even so this is all easier said than done. What are some practical tips that will help us not become victims to poor time management, spreading ourselves too thin, and giving in the drivenness of the culture?

1. Practice saying yes. Say yes to the things that nourish your heart. The apostle Paul said that people don't hate their own bodies. In our society this is all too common. Even so if we want to go the distance we must begin to nourish and cherish our own hearts. Guard your heart for out of it flows the springs of your life Proverbs exhorts us. Guard the treasure within.

2. Practice saying no. How can you say no to the things that drain you as well as the things that destroy you? By budgeting out what you are able to do. We get into a super spirituality where we think it is honoring to God to burnout for Him. (Understandably some that have held back all their life will say that God has impressed on them to not hold anything back. This is an example of God working with extremes). There are many people that can't stop giving, meeting needs, fixing problems that need to learn that "no" is not a bad word. It is an empowering word that takes the issues of life that seem out of control and put them back into your hands.

3. Ask God. Why do we commit ourselves to so much in the first place? Because we feel that we are more spiritual for doing so, because we feel obligated, because we can't say no to all the needs out there, because we are not okay with ourselves, because we live apart from God's guidance in making these decisions. God knows our limits better than we do and will communicate to us His desire for us to involved in something or not be involved in something. We are caught in the tension of being a part of something that we want to be involved and on the other side we have only so much that our joint can supply. In the whole list of activities we must learn to hear God because where we know He has called us to a place, we can know that we will have His grace.

4. Take turns slower. Before I was married I could change my plans at the last minute and it was no big deal. But as I begin to lead my family I find that I am an engine pulling many other cars. Sharp turns effect my passengers considerably. Why the rush any way? Less is more. That was the principle of the Sabbath. In many ways, it was a test of faith for the people that they could get more accomplished in 6 days than 7. Breaks, walks, pauses in the day, centering on what is most important at lunch time will confront the Spirit of the Age that says "hurry." Sure we got there and it took longer, but with the pleasant stops and leisurely drive it was a very relaxing 10 hours, even if Kansas City was a 7 hour trip non-stop. At the end we could truly experience God's goodness and the peace of people that were not rushed to get through their vacation. Make no mistake it takes great faith to sacrifice those hours so that your emotions and the emotions of everyone around you can be taken care of.

5. Practice Nourishing Another Heart. Little affirmations, validations, thoughtful gifts to a Compassion person go a LONG way and minister to the core of them. Little comments of I was thinking about you, sincere and specific praise will all do so much more than you thought possible. It's because we need to budget it deposits for others emotional accounts as well as our own. The whole Bible in the NT is full of this - it's called encouragement. It's speaking to another the language of their heart so that they are ministered to and built up in love.

Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

Burned Out Servers

2009-09-06T13:39:00.000-07:00

Talking with a friend he was able to put his finger on the check on a Server. Sure people have all kinds of needs, they are around us all. Suppose that God gives you $50. You look at a house across the street, someone's window needs repair. Wanting to meet the need you give him $10. You walk down the street and you see another house they have a weed wacker that just broke down, so you give him $10. Another person is in need so you give them $10 and so on until you are out of money. As you continue to walk down the street you meet a beggar and God says give him the money. Problem you have no money to give. And because God doesn't look to condemn us we probably never hear him say that money was for this person.

In this illustration money represents - emotional energy. There are a lot of things you could do with what you have. But this story assumes the premise that God has a specific purpose for that which you have been given. That sounds biblical.

"For we are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for you to walk in." Predestined to walk in the specific things of God's purposes for you. Without being condemning we are each called by God to specifically do what God made us to do - but even more to do it His way not just our natural bent.

Considerations:
1. We want to be freed from the tyranny of the urgent. We all feel that the thing that has our attention is the thing that we must do to be okay again. But many times it is simply not true.
2. We want to sift the feeling that what we are doing is the will of God by simply doing what comes most naturally for our particular bent.
3. God cares about Servers more than they care about themselves. And though they get in their doing mode, He is constantly attentive and watchful over their emotional health so they don't get fried, burned out, annoyed, even bitter.
4. The needs are never ending in some places, others have to guard their Server friends from not being able to pull away from the needs in front of them.
5. In the negative, God wants to free us also from perfectionist tendencies to do everything that can be done in our own strength and be mad when God doesn't do His part. God doesn't want us to live by performance for our value or we will fall from His grace and experience something that God has already cursed. Yes, we are still saved but we live devoid of His life and power and joy.
6. In the positive, we want to avoid the trap of doing things in our own strength and having no joy in doing it. 1 Peter 4:11 reminds us that God has called us to serve in the strength that He supplies so that He will get the glory and we will be carried in His joy. The joy of the Lord is our strength. And if we are to live Kingdom it is not just "things being done right!"(i.e. righteousness) But it is also peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. Let's live Kingdom and walk with the King.

Are we Afraid of People?

2009-06-27T12:34:00.002-07:00

"Don't be afraid of people." The danger is that we would see each other as a threat or as a sign that we ought to be more like someone else than we are like ourselves. This is where the tension is:

We are to be all that He has called and anointed us to be and not try and be someone else. While at the same time embracing each other and allowing God through others to change us, challenge us, exhort us to live in the truths of His word.

We need not be afraid of being close to others.
We need not be a body that lives in comparisons.
We need not judge our weakness compared to someone's strength.
We need not freak out around people that are more complete in certain areas that we are incomplete in.

Sure, easy to say. But in the presence of my dear friend I felt so much like I was a mess. Like I was a poor friend. Like I was just insignificant. Like I was dwarfed by his knowledge on a subject I knew so little about.

My friend came over for a few minutes to help me and that's when it hit.

"I need help." Oh the accusations that followed. Where did they all come from? They came from the enemy of my soul indirectly. But to be more accurate they came from my own heart having lived with these thought patterns all my life. I found myself getting annihilated by these accusatory thoughts of my unfinished areas in my life. Oh the shame that made me feel like hiding instead of running to Father God and saying, "here's what the lies are, but what do you say?"

But doesn't this happen often? A long time ago I wrote this:

I shared something with someone and the person was like asking me a bunch of questions I couldn't answer that made me feel so naive and way out of my league for even suggesting I wanted to do such and such. So I considered backing away slowly in frustration. I figured whatever they were trying to say it was making it worse staying there and listening to them go on. I felt so small compared to their experience in the subject. I mean talk about getting the wrong messages communicated to you.

"You don't have a clue what you are doing kid,."

"You are in diapers, after you've grown up (a few years of studying), and then we'll talk again."

"You don't belong here in stepping into this area."

"You are so naïve and so way out of your league."

The thing was the person never said any of that. It was just stuff that was triggered by the whole conversation we were having.

So back to the unfinished areas in my life. Am I okay with my inadequacies? Do I run from the fear of being exposed as unfit for the task? Do I hide from the things that challenge me? Do I do all I can to stay in my strengths? Yes, I do.

There in lies The Great Dilemma: I want to be around people for I know that God will heal me through my relationship with people. But I don't want to be exposed, I am afraid of the very people that God has sent to be so He can put His finger on the issues in my life and heal me.

Today is just another example of how easy it is to say, "believe that they are for you" and "embrace the exposing of the wounds so that you may be healed." Sure, but the only way I can do that is to be okay with my identity. If I am okay with God, then all is well. I can reach out for the exposure and the healing. But if I don't feel valuable, I am not going to take a risk like that.

So receiving the Father's love is the only way to live the Christian life. Being proceeds doing. Religion is about doing to get. Christ is about getting to be. It's only as we allow God to shower us with His love made possible through Jesus on the cross that we can live each day moment by moment allowing God to expose our unfinishedness through people.

Can't They Take a No?

2009-06-09T20:06:00.000-07:00

Okay, so two incidents.

Incident #1: One with me and my wife. She comes into the bathroom while I am giving my son a bath and says to me, "I decided to not go on this weekend trip with the women." It sounds pretty resolute and firm. So I say "okay." She says, "That's it? I thought you would be disappointed." I wasn't. Then she began to share about why she was making the decision and I realized the more she talked, the more the reasons she gave didn't seem good enough. Whose problem is this? On one side it looks like it's mine because I am changing my response. But let's look at little closer at what my wife is doing. She is telling me all the factors that are clouding the issue and making it sound like (to these Perceiver ears) that she has to choose this because of circumstances and that she would do it for the wrong reason. Both of these set me even more against her, probing and questioning until I heard a resolute "no," not an "I guess this is what I have to do."

Bottom line: She was afraid that I was going to accuse her of not being spiritual enough and a host of other things when I was fully ready to honor her "no" as long as it was "her no."

What do I mean? Compassion and Servers will both refuse to say "no." Servers refuse to make something more difficult for someone and Compassions refuse to make someone feel bad. But in order for her to have a real boundary she has to be able to say "no, this is my choice, I am not being pushed into this, I am making this decision and I said it and I mean it." For a person without boundaries that is a huge victory. So I rejoiced that my wife was taking ownership of her decisions that are difficult.

Incident #2: In the car driving back from Wyoming. That's a lot of time for talking. So then two guys are going back and forth on how we need more of something in the services. The younger is frustrated because every time he tries to say no, it's like the older doesn't get it. The older doesn't see the issue a done deal because he still sees how the objections of why there is a no is easily rectifiable. Whose problem is it? The younger is convinced that he is saying "no" and that the older is showing their "no" is not good enough. But when you look at little closer you can see that the no is seen as "it might be a no" because right after the "no" is given, the reasons seem easily enough to fix.

Bottom Line: The younger feels that the older is a boundary violator and is afraid to say no to them. The older feels the younger doesn't want to listen to new ideas because they are too stubborn.

Solution: The younger needs to learn that the older is waiting for the firm "no" to be communicated. What they are hearing is "if I can't figure out a way past this problem, then I say no." The younger has no idea that the older is hearing a small invitation and personal challenge to overcome their obstacle. Without realizing it the younger is totally misinterpreting the older.

And by the younger not being...
affirmative (I appreciate your ideas)
comprehensive (I've weighed out all my options)
resolute (I've made my decision)

...the administrator can't really hear the "no" because all they hear is a "maybe." How frustrating.

How important it is to learn each other's language. What did you hear when I said such and such? What did you feel/think/conclude when I did such and such? So important.

Defense from Compassion Attacks

2009-05-23T12:50:00.000-07:00

So we had an awesome opportunity to see in action what happens when a Compassion person who has been deeply wounded (haven't they all been), gets to unload their accusations at a person who hurt them. This was my wife speaking to her mother.

We have been walking through the process of forgiveness. In the book we are reading there are six steps to walking through the process of forgiveness. The first is recognize the injury, then to identify the emotions (usually fear, guilt & shame, or anger) then express the emotions. After that was putting boundaries on the offending person. All this is taking place before you ever make the decision to cancel the debt you feel owed for the loss that you suffered. In attempting to draw wounded people out it becomes quickly evident that the problem may be less with the person without and more about the person within them. That was certainly the case as my wife attacked the actions of her mother that caused injury, hurt, pain.

But how do we respond to these attacks (that may be the first healthy expressions of healing and dealing with the issue rather than stuffing it)? How do we respond to such hostility and not react to the personal attack?

Here are my suggestions:

1. Listen. Encourage the other person to talk. This is the starting place for all hope in this type of conversation. Resist the urge to answer the charges immediately. Rather ask probing questions like. "What did you want to see happen?" "Tell me how you saw what took place." "What did the words or actions say to you?" "Are there other times people have said or done similar things to you." Ignore words like "you always" and "you never." They are part of the lie designed to trigger a reaction from you. But they are just decoys. As my wife talked to her mom there were several phases we had to go through.

Phase 1 - THEY Accuse "you did" + "I felt" = "you made me feel"
Phase 2 - THEY "when you did such an such I felt because (more accusations)
Phase 3 - THEY (with the help of the Holy Spirit) "I feel like I am ______ to you. (Moves from what happened and how I felt to what it said about my value. This is the main point!)
Phase 4 - YOU Rephrase what they just said because that is the issue, not what happen. It's not what happen, it's how they interpreted it, how it effected their value in your eyes.

2. Apologize for the misunderstanding. You didn't do anything wrong, you say. Even so, the person feels as though you meant to harm them. Some of the worst things to say is "you shouldn't feel that way" or to try to explain away why they shouldn't feel that way. Better to say: "I'm so sorry, I never intended you to feel that way." I'm not saying you are wrong in your anger, but I'm not saying you are right either. What I am communicating is "my heart toward you is not to do you evil." This is the very thing that the wounded person has been convinced of.

3. Take their strong emotions and words as coming from defensive stance rather than offensive one. The issue is not you, it's something else. It's hard to believe this when you are on the other side of the unloading of ammo. But the truth is that our struggle is not with flesh and blood. Those words of pain are more likely a picture of their entire life of having similar circumstances. So be mature, put out a boundary to not take it personally, and recognize when they say, "I don't trust you." What they are saying is "I am weak in the area of trusting people because I have been so hurt in the past. I am afraid to take risks again." Sure they may accuse you of terrible things that everything within screams "don't just sit there and take that, defend yourself!" But real maturity says, "I'm not really the issue, they are expressing hurt/pain/injury through their strong emotions and it is stuff that they need to get out so that they can be healthy. The enemy attacks them and says, "you are selfish, you are pathetic, something is wrong with you that you can't just get over all these issues." To see the words as defending themselves against the lies of the enemy is to not join forces with the enemy and further wound them through your defending and attacking back.

4. Rephrase the attack against as seeing it objectively as a reaction against your words and actions. When my friend, who I go to breakfast with each week said this week, (acting out confronting the one who offended him) "I feel rejected by you. You treat me like an outsider and make me feel like I'm useless." It wasn't what he said, it was how he said it. The tone was of a personal nature. As I heard these words come out of his mouth I thought "Lord, that sounds really bad - like the person is just snapping at the other person. This is where strategy comes in. Ask, "are you saying that you feel rejected and dismissed as unimportant?" To which my friend would reply with even more words to express what he has felt he had to stuff. It's turning the conversation from a one-on-one battle to a clarifying of the emotions. Why is that important? Because the feeling is part of perception and may not be based on reality. It may be based more on interpretation. So by rephrasing the attack, you are able to identify the emotions the person felt making them realize you are trying to understand them AND it is moving more towards clarifying the issue is not with you but in how your actions made them feel.

5. Appreciate their words as a healthy display of emotions. They are taking huge steps in not burying it, stuffing it, denying it. They are used to being rejected, ignored, dismissed, explained away, labeled, and their words treated as not worth considering. To say "I appreciate how willing you are to share all this" is to allow them to fight against the lie that they are worth defending or that they deserve the woundings against them.

6. Seek to understand how they feel before deciding whether they are right about their accusations. This is so hard as it is so much easier to tell the person that their facts are inaccurate and fix their perspective. Instead we have to see that the larger issue is that while the emotions are based on misinformation, it is often necessary to pull the arrow all the way out rather than breaking the part that sticks out off. It is far better to listen to what they saw and how they interpreted and how they concluded then to quickly dismiss their emotions by explaining it is all built on wrong information. This will help bridge the gap between offender and offended like few things will. It sends the message to the person that they are worth the time and effort to figure out how they came to the conclusion they did. It says "you matter to me and I care more about us being ok than in me proving you wrong." This is so hard and takes a lot of security in who we are. But with God's help we can be successful.

7. Affirm that you believe the best about them. They have been stewing on the lie that you don't care about them, don't trust them, don't want to be near them, don't care if you hurt them." The best thing to do to confront the lie is to affirm your commitment to them and the good that you believe about them. While they may react violently against your words internally, understand that you are getting glimpses at the emotional landmines that have been buried in them for so long. Take the time to ask, "what do you hear when I say those words (affirm you) or display my commitment toward you?" Rather than just stepping on the landmine and asking, "how did you feel when I said that?" You might get a backlash because you are moving too quickly and not cautiously enough.

7. Ask (with great caution), "Is that all?" There have been times where I have unloaded on God and after I got all the negative emotions and words of accusation out at how God had done me wrong, He would speak to me calmly, gently, is that all? It was like God was inviting me to "get the worst of it out." This is so key with a compassion person that holds back all the time because they are afraid of what might happen if they were totally real and let the person know what they really thought about them. This takes the wisdom of God or it will increase the problem for it will unleash the full fury of their anger at you. I would not recommend this be done without careful thought. But there are times where God gives us a special grace to be able to take the worst of what a person has to say so that it comes out and they can find on the other side rather than being angry, disappointed, or withdrawing emotionally from them, you are there with a smile that says, "I still love you and I'm still here for you."

A Giving God: Out of the Box

2009-05-07T17:48:00.000-07:00

Listening to a message about prayer, my wife, who is extremely practical, was touched in an unusual way. She told me later, "If God wants to give us more, than I guess I am willing to receive it." Having grown up where things were always tight she adopted a poverty mentality. She was used to Administrators in her life reminding her of the limited resources. Throughout her life, she has confessed many times to feeling guilty, for wanting more.

I don't believe this is not an isolated incident. I think many people get around Administrators with their "cut back, save a dime, waste not, make every cent count" emphasis and they react negatively. I'm not saying it's all bad. I believe in Administrators. Administrator's carry the heart of God to organize all the resources (people and stuff) in the most effective way to accomplish the purposes of God for the people of God. However, they can be so corporate body focused and not sensitive to the individuals. As my pastor preached recently "God is Sovereign - it's all about Him and not about you." While this is true, it shouldn't minimize the Lord's desire to show special attention and bless each of His children more. If the Administrator's perspective is the one that we are hearing the most, we can easily end up seeing God as the King, the Land Owner, the Master, the Boss and miss He's that and a whole lot more!

My wife's eye opening experience came as she listened to the heart of a Giver. He told so many stories of how much he loved to give extravagantly, just like the God he served. He went into great detail of how on his birthday he liked to give his kids and grandchildren presents. No joke! He also shared how he would go shopping with his kids and he would go to the counter with them, and without them expecting it, he would offer to pay for them, which they gratefully accepted.

Givers remind us that God enjoys giving extravagantly and expects nothing in return. Giving is it's own reward. It's the perfect balance for an Administrator who holds so tightly to the resources. Givers are amazing. They just want to give it all away. Spoil the kids, surprise them, make their jaws drop... it's fun. That's part of our God, if you didn't know.

Hold Your Horses

2009-05-07T05:37:00.000-07:00

Driving to Sweetwater, I got to enjoy some great conversations with some good friends of mine. Both of them were older. At one point the subject turned to child training and the awakening of God-given wirings to do things a certain way. I was quick to point out that the kids were simply acting out the script of their life, what they were created to do from the beginning. Servers gotta help, Perceivers have to tell you what is wrong and hold the standard so that there is justice, while administrators have to take leadership and make things happen for others.

Problem. What about when they are only 7 or 9 yrs old and won't take a hint that mom and dad don't want them to do that? One friend described a birthday party where the administrative little sister took over the handing out and opening of the gifts for her brother whose birthday it was. Or what about the desire for the small child that wants to carry their small siblings or other people's kids in an intense desire to show care? Are these not all examples of a child displaying their natural God-given motivational makeup? Sure, but how do you get the kids to do what mom and dad want and not what the kid thinks needs to be done? I mean, what can be done for such a situation.

Okay, picture another scene. Small kid at church, 13, talking with some adults. His parents told him before they had left to go to church, don't wander off, don't lag behind, try to stay with the family. But they have a really big family and so it isn't suprising that this kid in the midst of his talking and discussing things with these older people, still in the advanced Bible study room, the family leaves, heading out of the door without him. They're driving home in the two vehicles and neither parent knows that he's not in the other car. They drive the drive, stopping many times in many places and then they get home and file in the house. It takes another couple of hours before someone notices that the boy is missing. Long story short they search around and question all the other kids and no one remembers anything. So everyone gets back into the vans and they head back re-tracing all the places they stopped searching all over the place. Last they pull up into the parking lot of the church. They arrive, dad is ticked, so mom goes in and searches the whole building that is almost empty, except for one room. She goes into the room and finds her son sitting there talking, questioning, discussing with a bunch of the bible study teachers. Without thinking, she apologizes to the men, she pulls him out, and says exasperated, "We searched everywhere for you, your father and I have been worried sick about you. What were you thinking?" Calmly the boy looks up into the eyes of his frazzled mom and says, "didn't you know that I had to be about my Father's business." Of course, the little boy was Jesus.

Jesus knew what he was wired to do by 13. He had in his mind what it was that God had called him to this earth to do. His occupation would involve a lot of talking, discussing, questioning, and being with people. He saw a glimpse of his God-given wiring. But then after the most amazing thing happens! He goes with his mother and father and becomes subject unto them.

Don't miss this. He knew who he was, how he was wired, what he would do in the future, but he still submitted to the authority of his parents for the next years of his life. That's huge, what an example for kids to follow. Sure you got something going, but you are going to need to get a whole lot more to be everything God made you to be.

That's validation, that's affirmation, and that's submission to authority to receive the full blessing of the parents. "Honor your parents in the Lord for that is right. It is also the first commandment with a promise (that it may go well with you all your days)."

Disney Princess MG's

2009-04-26T19:39:00.000-07:00

(Mary, not Brad)

While beautifying myself in front of my mirror, a sudden thought occurred to me that all the Disney princesses could be classified according to their MG's, and surprisingly, all of the gifts are represented. Here is a quick run-down. Some of you may not agree, but I welcome the discussion because it's been a loooooong time since I watched some of these movies, so my perspective might not be fresh. Well, here goes:

Ariel (Little Mermaid) = Perceiver [way too stubborn and opinionated, always telling people what's wrong and unfair/unjust, definitely confrontational, strong imagination]
Cinderella = Server [always mopping a floor or cleaning up a mess, when she is told she will go to the ball she is way too practical about the whole thing.]
Belle (Beauty and the Beast) = Teacher [love of libraries, she was trying to teach sheep, and she was into listening to the details of all the gadgets her father made]
Fiona (Shrek) = Exhorter [always moving others to action, assertive, feels that she was made to be a victor not a victim]
Jasmine (Aladdin) = Administrator [she could really run the kingdom]
Snow White = Giver [makes some wise and some unwise investments in relationships, helped whenever she saw a need so so could be confused with a server and administrator with all those dwarves in the house. Her downfall was in the receiving part.]
Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) = Compassion [doesn't do much but dream and sing to animals and loves outdoors. Never hear her talk much about what she thinks about the kingdom, how the prophecy is unfair, how life needs more structure]

All that Matters is What the Word Says

2009-04-26T15:00:00.001-07:00

Very rarely do I get a teacher to sit with me and debate what the word says for several hours. Maybe it's a guy thing, or an intellectual thing. I think it is a teacher thing. I loved hearing such refreshing phrases like:

"It doesn't matter what I say or what you say, it just matters what the word says."
"If I am wrong, just show me from the word and I'll change my position."
"Hear me out or you won't understand the entire picture of what I am saying."
"We don't need to argue about the semantics of what the word humble means." (the blessing of having a Perceiver/Teacher and not just a teacher.)

So we enjoyed a little bit of disagreement and going back and forth clarifying our position. It was intellectually stimulating. I loved having the teacher in my home. I loved his desire to rightly divide the word of truth. I loved his desire to search the scriptures. I loved his desire to be lined up with the truth of the word. I loved his desire and passion to communicate what the word says. In the end I know that what it meant to him was more than a friendly discussion. It meant validation, it meant valuing, and it meant he was loved.

Teachers need you to listen to them. Hear them out and they know they are loved. Shut them down and you send the message they are not valid, not valued, not worth the time of day. Teachers love talking but even more they love others that are there to listen to them share the deepest things of their heart, what they believe. A lot of people think that doctrine is dry and cerebral only. That the mind has nothing to do with the heart. The teacher reminds us that knowing God's word is knowing His heart.

(They are also foundation people, they help us build according to the pattern we see in the word so that our house will stand when the storm comes and that we don't become angry at God and bitter.)

Scared Cat in the Corner

2009-04-25T10:16:00.000-07:00

How do you get a compassion person to share how they feel? I was wondering this very question recently. It seems that most Compassion people are so hurting and so closed they desire to hide themselves in a corner and hope that no one pays them any attention. Well, they want attention but after weeks of being ignored or their tail gets stepped on for something they said or did, they hide like a scared cat in the corner.

When compassion people share what they think, they become extremely aware of their own vulnerability. Sometimes they close up their whole body and pull in their knees, talking with their head down. One Compassion friend I knew, when we began the relationship, he couldn't look me in the eye so I just sat diagonal and stared out the wall as I talked to him. A month later we were looking at each other eye to eye. He trusted me. When I was courting I remember telling my future wife something that touched the depths of the emotions in me, "I love you." I did it in the fetal position, curled up in a ball! That is what Compassion do, they protect themselves as they talk.

So how do you draw out a Compassion person? They have to feel safe, not judged, not rushed. They venture out of the corner little by little. If a person criticizes, or scolds, or invalidates their feelings...they run back into the corner. As they venture out into the realm of confessing what they feel and think, here are some things I have found helpful:

1. Sympathize and Empathize with their emotions. Sympathy says, "I'm sorry you feel bad." Empathy says, "I feel bad that you feel bad." If you will identity, at least in part, with the emotions of the person then they won't run away, they might even think it is okay.

Many Compassion people believe it is wrong for them to share things that will put a burden on others or make them unhappy. Or they believe it is just selfish and wrong to share negative feelings with others. They think what's wrong with me, why can't I just get over it or ignore it?

2. Thank the person for being vulnerable with you. Take time to appreciate their willingness to share their emotions, even strong emotions. It's like riding a bike, even getting on the seat and falling off after a few seconds is a big deal. Appreciating these small steps are so important.

3. (Perceivers are good at this) Thank the person for being honest. Whether we like to admit it or not Compassion people pretend their feelings don't matter, they wear masks, and they play games to make people believe they are something that they are not. Honesty is so powerful! When we get honest with God and each other, we can find incredible help and hope.

4. See it from their perspective. If you draw out all the things they were thinking about, how they were processing the information that they had in front of them, then you could put yourself in their place and walk in their shoes. This is so powerful. This is probably the most validating that a Compassion person can receive. When we say, "I would feel the same if I were in your place." When we identify with their struggle they feel more valued than anything else we might do. When we say, "given the same information, given the same circumstances, I could see how I would feel that way, it's good." But what they really desperately crave is VALIDATION - It is reasonable to feel negative emotions and it is okay/healthy to confess it. This is so hard, especially for the Perceiver that may look at this as compromising their moral standards.

"Love as I have loved." - People Studying

2009-04-18T05:04:00.000-07:00

I wonder if we need a test to discover the love languages so that we will speak in the love language of the people around us. I wonder how useful would it be. Certainly I have found that knowing that a person receives a certain way is good but unless it is continually communicated it just doesn't stick. So we must be relationally joined together, as Jesus was to His disciples.

To love as Jesus loved is to take a keen interest in studying people and what they most need. More, it is studying with what is the way they feel the most cared for, the most appreciated, the most like a blessing. It may even be grasping when they feel they are the most full of purpose, the most assured that God is moving them forward, the most confident that they are doing the will of God. To study people is a great skill that must be part of the church's training. For meeting needs is the whole Christian service. And to do so in a way that they can receive is crucial. What a disaster when we assume that others' way of receiving love is the same as ours. How frustrating! How relationships are strained by this misunderstanding of differentness. Real love "seeks not it's own way," but longs to speak in a way that the other hears and receives. Whether it is honesty (Perceiver), showing appreciation (Server), talking and asking questions (Teacher), following advice (Exhorters), being faithful and loyal (Administrator), giving useful gifts (Giver), and giving thoughtful gifts and affection (Compassion), we can learn to speak more than just our own language of love, if we are willing. All of this can be gained by being more intentional in our relating one to another.

Who doesn't need an occasional word of affirmation? Who doesn't need a little affection and a hug now and them? Even if we start with seeing each person as "different and not bad," we must not stop there. We then to see them as "different and good." Hopefully it will help us see Jesus as He reveals Himself in His great Mosaic His body and family.

The Joy God has in Meeting Needs

2009-04-18T05:03:00.002-07:00

My compassion wife, who dreads receiving a gift that cost something someone may continue to struggle with receiving all that Christ gives a believer, unless she begins to grasp the utter joy and delight that God has in meeting her need as reflected in the faces and hearts of others meeting her needs. The joy of God to give is seen in His church stretching His hands out and meeting the needs of the people around them. God delights in Serving Servers, Giving to Givers, and pouring love into the heart of the Compassion people. What an insight! God does all these things because He loves doing it. But how does He do this? Is it not through His people? God has always had it in His heart to cause His people to care for one another, even as He cares for them. He said to His disciples, "Love one another as I have loved you." Just as Jesus loved each one individually based on what they most needed, that is how we are to love one another.

We understand that givers, servers, and compassion all have special love languages, they give and receive in. Often this may elude us because they are so desiring to not be the center of attention they may try to dodge the issue when we ask what they want us to do for them. But in the end there really is a unique language of love that each person receives in. They love to receive in their language of love. The heart of God, I believe, is that we would, through the relational lives we live, learn to give and receive (at least in some small measure) in ALL of these languages of love. As we spend time together and discover what is most meaningful to people and how they receive we will be better able to love the people in a way that they can receive.

Giving? Yes. Receiving? No.

2009-04-18T05:03:00.001-07:00

In the parable of the sheep and goats Jesus said at the end, "whatever you have done to the least of these my brothers, you have done to me." This is the anthem of the unseen Motivational Gifts of the body of Christ (The Server, Giver, and Compassion). But if you flip it around then you have exposed the great struggle for the three. It is receiving. It is as if Jesus word to the three is something like this: "whatever you allow to be done to you by the least of these by brothers you have allowed me to do to you." Compassion, Servers, Givers all basically struggle with the same thing. They love to let things flow out, but they have a hard time letting things flow in. It's as if when people attempt to serve them, they zealously proclaim the words of Peter, "You will never wash my feet." But Jesus responds to them, "unless I wash your feet you will have no part of me." Think about that. No part of Him, of His body.

There is something about the disconnect, from the body, of the unseen MGs when they give but do not receive. When there is no water flowing in and no water flowing out the collection of water is a pond. And we know that after a while a pond gets stagnant and it stinks. Even if the three should give of themselves a great deal it may not last long. For it doesn't take long for a Server to see where others don't see, take offense, and stop serving so freely. It doesn't take long for the Giver to recognize the people that are poor stewards of the money they are responsible for, take offense, and stop giving so freely. And it doesn't take long for the Compassion person to see all the unfeeling people who hurt others, take offense, and stop extending mercy. (As I have often observed, it is so easy to judge others weaknesses against our strengths.) And so our attitudes often become stinky when we get stagnant. When there's nothing flowing in, and nothing flowing out.

But how do we get a Server, a Giver, and a Compassion person to receive when it is so easy for them to not do so because they are so focused on others needs anyway? I believe I have an answer, at least in part. I have learned that quoting scripture to beat them into submission to receive will not work.

But what about utilizing their greatest pleasure in serving, giving, showing compassion? It is the very pleasure that motivates them to do what they were made by God to do. Once you have them focused on their own pleasure in serving then direct their attention to the fact that that pleasure is how others feel when they get to serve them (the one who doesn't get served often). At least a small amount of ground is gained when the person, who struggles with receiving, hears the joy experienced by the one who is serving them. The more people get to talk about their joy in giving to the three unseen MGs, the more...

1. the server will spot the need the person has to serve them,
2. the giver will see the faith building in them being sensitive to God's leading and doing what He says in giving, and
3. the compassion person will feel their joy and want to make it joy complete by letting the person serve them willingly.

Become More or Less?

2009-04-16T06:09:00.001-07:00

Is it about being more and more uniquely wired motivationally/personality wise or is it the more we get to Jesus the less we can see how the person is wired because they have strengths and strengthened the weaknesses so they are not that apparent?

A Fable: THE ANIMAL SCHOOL

Once upon a time, the animals decided they must do something heroic to meet the problems of a “new world”, so they organized a school. They adopted an activity curriculum consisting of running, climbing, swimming, and flying. To make it easier to administer the curriculum, all the animals took all the subjects.

The duck was excellent in swimming, in fact, better than his instructor; but he made only passing grades in flying and was very poor in running. Since he was slow in running, he had to stay after school and also drop swimming in order to practice running. This was kept up until his web feet were badly worn and he was only average in swimming. But average was acceptable in school, so nobody worried about that except the duck.

The rabbit started at the top of the class in running, but had a nervous breakdown because of so much make-up work in swimming.

The squirrel was excellent in climbing until he developed frustration in the flying class where his teacher made him start from the ground up instead of from the tree top down. He also developed “charlie horses” from overexertion and then got a C in climbing and a D in running.

The eagle was a problem child and was disciplined severely. In the climbing class, he beat all the others to the top of the tree, but insisted on using his own way to get there.

At the end of the year, an abnormal eel that could swim exceedingly well, and also run, climb and fly a little had the highest average and was valedictorian.

The prairie dogs stayed out of school and fought the tax levy because the administration would not add digging and burrowing to the curriculum. They apprenticed their children to a badger and later joined the groundhogs and gophers to start a successful private school.

Beware of God!

2009-04-12T16:07:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen a sign "Beware of dog." It was hard to believe right when you saw the little bitty thing that had a mouth but no bite. But when it isn't little, it makes you glad for the sign and the large fence. That's how I felt when I was a kid walking to school. Though the dog was big, his bark was loud, (and intimidating as I walked by the gate) I wasn't going to venture into that yard because that sign was so visible and the dog so present. You know God has his own bark and He has posted His own sign to keep His people out of an area that He doesn't want us to enter into.

Read Isaiah and Jeremiah. Read the minor prophets as well and you will see God's heart of zeal and intensity for righteousness and covenantal faithfulness. The drama, the black and white, the surrender to God and obey Him at all costs, that's the Perceiver.

A Perceiver displays the heart of God for righteousness and His hatred of wickedness. Also the Perceiver makes the picture of God's perspective more of a story. They, like the Compassion people, are able to see things in pictures. But one of the main things Perceivers are there for is to warn of a future bridge out, a moral issue or an undealt with issue in the heart of a person or group of people. They go after sinful attitudes and actions with a speed, accuracy, and penetration!

[On a side note: Perceivers so easily turn almost everything into a black and white moral issue or right and wrong (i.e. it's either God's will or it is against him; either obedience or rebellion!) But this can just be the flesh of the Perceiver. They see, they judge, they speak and bam "the wrong/the offensive thing" is smitten. It's so easy to let the perceivers rule the roost and roast those that are not Perceivers. So easy is it for them to fall prey to natural tendencies because of the MGs to do what comes most naturally for them.]

Reading through the OT we can see the Perceiver heart of God in Phineas

6 Just then one of the Israelites came and brought to his brethren a Midianite woman, before the eyes of Moses, and in the plain view of all the whole community of the Israelites, while they were weeping at the entrance of the tent of meeting. 7 When Phinehas, the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, saw it, he got up from the midst of the assembly, took a javelin in his hand, 8 and went after the Israelite man into the tent and thrust both the Israelite man and the woman through to her belly. So the plague was stopped from the Israelites. 9 And those that died in the plague were 24,000. 10 And the LORD spoke to Moses, saying, 11 Phinehas, the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, has turned my wrath away from the Israelites, when he was zealous with my zeal for my sake among them, that I did not consume the Israelites in my zeal. (Num. 25:6-18)

So Phineas saves the day by killing the transgressors. That is a picture of the heart of God that you will get a glimpse of in your perceiver friend. If you are prideful and arrogant and blatant in your sin, "Beware of God," they say or else. How we need this in the body!

"Come See a Church an Apostolic Team has Built!"

2009-04-12T14:09:00.000-07:00

Heralded as the church of the apostolic, people came far and wide to hear all the secrets, keys, principles, patterns that would be shared. Yet so many times people left beat up, beat down while others left encouraged and full of a new optimism that something great can happen. I believe that this has more to do with the MGs than anything else. (i.e. The servers would be destroyed by "there is more to be done.") I also believe that as much as the leadership said they believed in Team (a true God-perspective) they may have really showed something almost diametrically opposed to their mission.

Perceivers attacked the attitudes/motives in the hearts of people and what after wrong, out of order actions as well. Perceivers spoke in sessions with their administrative perspective on finances, investing in young people, the supernatural, leading meetings, and a host of other things. In the end, in many ways, the people were left at the mercy of the perceivers instead of hearing the pastor's hearts bringing them to balance, soothing the blows, helping the people who are condemned by the message.

For it is as if God's word to the perceivers of the house has never changed. It is simply this: "Don't kill my people." How easy it was for the perceivers to preach so strong against the attitudes/wrong motives that God hates and not allow for any grey. How easy it was for them to heap strong weights on shoulders and sit there with a "God will have to deal with you" attitude. "The dealings of God" were good, but understanding the multi-faceted heart of God was so needed. Without that understanding it was and is so easy to reach the wrong conclusion that a person needs to repent for not being a perceiver.

In the end, I believe largely, that as Dave Richards (an apostolic guy) has said, "the church was more of a prophetic church than an apostolic one." To which I say: amen. It was perceiver top heavy.

Oh, how the people would realize that real team is about pulling on the perspectives and gifts in the body that reveal more than the uncompromising heart of God (perceiver). They also need the gentle heart of God (compassion), the practical heart of God (server), the stewarding heart of God (giver), and on and on. Yes, we need Perceivers! Yes, we need them to build the church, but how we need pastors to come behind and soften the blow of the Perceivers and remind the perceivers whatever you do, "don't kill the people."

And let it never be communicated again across the land, "Come see a church a Perceiver team has built!" (No wonder they looked at pastoral as compromising! God help us.) And by God's grace, we will not do so again.

Head to Head: Gaining Ground Slowly

2009-04-11T08:35:00.000-07:00

We sat in parent/teacher/student fashion and I began to ask questions to their Administrator/Compassion son. Both the parents struggled not to interrupt but it was hard. The son had complaints, differing opinions about how he saw things, wrong information that he used to come to wrong conclusions.

Some of the best helps in bridging this huge communication gap were taking the like motivations and explaining that as much as the one person was wired a certain way because they were primarily one of the gifts was so was the other because they had the same gift. For example: If one parent, an Administrator, was big on gathering information than so was the son. I also made sure to emphasize it was a God-given desire similar to one in the parent, but it was in it's immature stage of development. At one point he would grow up and use it as effectively as the parent.

Another tool that was excellent was zeroing in on the frustration that the son was feeling by connecting it to the frustration that the other motivational gifts have. Administrators hate to be micromanaged, exhorters hate to be given long term projects, teachers hate to be questioned, perceivers hate to have people question their motives. And on and on it goes. But just as long as I know that my wife gets frustrated when she is being fixed by the exhorter, identified by the perceiver, and analyzed by the teacher, I am okay with me being frustrated about how she says I am not doing enough. Oh, how the light bulb goes on when people actually connect the frustration of others over things that come naturally to them with their own frustration at the things that they struggle in.

Bottom line: We are strong in some things and weak in others. We have to remember that or we will judge other's weaknesses according to our strengths. Rather than appreciate their strengths and cover/help them in their weaknesses. Love truely covers a multitude of faults.

So let's learn the true meaning of Paul's words in Romans 12, Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought but rather think of yourself (strengths and weaknesses) with sober (proper) judgment for God has given each a measure of faith (for their gift mix).

Small Steps of Progress

2009-04-11T08:24:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend last night and he was sharing how he had tried and tried to share with his son that he was not like him. He was not good at mechanical stuff and seeing the needs - he wasn't a server and he was saying it was okay. His son wouldn't accept it, saying "that's just a cop-out," as he was told.

For months the son had promised to fix a laundry machine and had put it off because he hadn't got around to it, so the dad, now quite aged, decided he would do the laundry over at his son's house till he got around to it. Then one day the IRS audited the son, he called up his father and begged his dad to come at once. The father began to laugh so hard. Something had happened as he was understanding the motivational gifts. Although he was naturally emotional, there is something about understanding the gifts that brings an objectivity that wasn't there before. The father graciously came to the aide of his son and because he had been organizing the financial records and did everything necessary to assist the IRS. In the end the father felt that his son had gained, even if it was small, an appreciation of the differences between him and his dad.

As a church we need to move from "different is bad" to "different but not wrong." Then hopefully we can gain more ground and move to "different and good." Finally we hope to get to the place where we are able to see each other as "different and good for me and others." The end goal of this progression of valuing others is to release people to be who God made them to be and do what God made them to do.

But Stewardship is the whole Bible!

2009-04-04T07:36:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my dad on my cell and had been sharing with him how much I didn't care about money. The more I shared, the more my dad was in disbelief.

"How could these things be? I mean, this is so basic. Jesus talked about money so much. Stewardship is the whole Bible!"

I never understood why it was so important! I just never got it. I never got it being raised in a Christian home, I never got it growing up going to church, I never got it after I repented in college of my backsliding and gave my life to Jesus again. I never got it as I served God for the next few years with my whole heart. I just thought since Jesus said you can't serve God and money, then I will just give my money to God in offerings and sacrifices. Denied my loan application, in my senior year (much to my shame), my parents still had to foot the bill for my college. The end result was that tragedy struck and depression hit me (as well as all the other things that I had not seen coming because I had barely an understanding of the concept of sowing and reaping. It was so vague to me.) I was at a loss of what to do. I hardened my heart because I couldn't see the cause and effect relationship.

In the same week, months after the tragedy, I defaulted on my phone bill and was charged extra. I was rejected by the loan office on my application, and I was fired from my job of monitoring computers (all I had to do was show up) because I was doing more spiritual things (like making plans for what I would do after graduation). All these things hit and they hit all in one week. The result was devastating. Because of my lack of understanding I didn't see any of this coming. I thought I was so spiritual in giving all my money to God. Only later would I be rebuked by Jesus' sharp criticism of the Pharisees in practice of hypocrisy. The law said honor your father and mother, but the Pharisees said to their parents, "Whatever help you would have received from me financially it is now corbin (that is a gift devoted to God) And they nullified the word of God by their tradition." I did the same thing thinking I was spiritual.

My father was a Giver, and he saw all these naturally through his gifting. The problem was he didn't interfere. He lived most of his life in a posture of hands-off. He didn't see because he chose not to see. He had what I needed but couldn't give it to me because of his philosophy of child training. I am not judging him for it, don't misunderstand what I am saying here. I am not blaming him for my mismanagement. I am responsible for what I did. I was the blind one, my heart was the one that would not seek God for understanding in these things because I was lazy. But there were things that he had that I needed in the way of understanding stewardship, investment, and cause-and-effect life principles that I never got.

Years later I can look back and see cause-and-effect. I can see how obvious it was that the day of reckoning would come. That I was mismanaging my finances, not paying my bills, not showing up for work. Then as far as the loan: If I were to lend me money, would I trust me? I don't think so.

MG Sparring

2009-04-03T20:14:00.000-07:00

"Dad, you are always telling me what I am doing wrong! I open my mouth and immediately I am wrong. I tell you how I feel about the divorce and you tell me that I shouldn't be so hard and that I should let go of it already. You just need to get off of my back. Besides, you need to help out more around the house and stop saying that it's not your thing."

"You're always telling me I'm not doing enough. You say I am anti-social and I need to do a few things differently and then people would like me. I wish you would stop trying to make me into something I'm not. It would be good if you were more concerned about the feelings of others. Besides, I was just saying you need to see it from her perspective. She has a point."

And back and forth they went, each attempting to get their point in before the other got the prick. Touchee. Both left frustrated because they never wanted to get so upset over these old issues. The thing was these guys are awesome men of God. They both love the people God has joined them to and they both are really nice guys. They are so likeable, it is surprising they spar so much with each other. The funniest thing is... they both intend to bless the other person at the beginning of the conversation and both want God's best for the other. But somehow in all the words the intention of blessing the other gets buried in the all the sparring. The message is muffled and they are fighting against each other rather than understanding each other more.

Both have characteristics of a hard headed Perceiver. The older has long since quit trying to Administrate the life of the other person. The conflict comes as the younger is a Server and the older Compassion. So they take turns telling each other what is wrong with the other. If we could boil it down it might sound something like this:

"Dad, I don't accept you because you are not a Server person."
"Well son, I don't accept you because you are not a Compassion person."

Bottom Line: Oh, my friends, how we need to see each other as valid! How we need to see that we are different but ok. The bible says, "Accept one another." Instead of blessing each other to be who God made us to be, we end up rejecting and sending a message of cursing and not being good enough! These things ought not be.

Deceiving Children

2009-03-31T20:28:00.001-07:00

Perceivers are keen about keeping things real. Let's not make it too fluffy. Encouragement is great but what about the truth of where they are really at. My friend shared a story of how he saw a teacher lavishly shower her student with praise. "That's amazing, you are outstanding, it's incredible." It hurt his ears to hear such things.

But I objected. Maybe he needed the encouragement I suggested.

He told me that the kid could care less. He said to me that that we deceive a child when we say "you're doing great," and they are not. They get it in their head that they are better than they are and then they get down the line and BAM, reality hits - and it hits hard.

I nodded my head remembering my love affair with Debate Club in High School. I thought I was all that. People told me I was good. I shut down others' arguments and through my manipulative powers I really could get people to believe that I was right. There was a big problem with all this. It was just pretend. The places we went were just "mock or models." None of it was real. There were no real issues being discussed it was all fantasy. As far as I was concerned I was on top of the world, never realizing that I had no clothes on. Well it didn't take long for reality to dawn on me. After a few months in college, my grades were going down, I was having a hard time getting up for a 10:30AM class, and my dreams of becoming a great Political Science guy were being shredded before my eyes. In my speech class I flopped and faltered. I had no real understanding in my law class. And my advisor wasn't even sure I would make it through the semester. Looking back on the lack of reality I was walking in.

It would have been nice to know that I had people in my life that could have gotten in my face and told me that it was all make believe. And that real debate is a whole 'nother world, one for which I was not ready. Oh, to have a perceiver that would tell it like it was and not mince words. Who knows, maybe things would have been different, maybe I would have seen the folly of my way. Or perhaps I may have ignored it as a crazy sign post warning of bridge out, only to say later, "I should have listened! I should have heeded the words of the Perceiver."

Two Sided: A Sword and A Hug

2009-03-31T20:07:00.001-07:00

So I was sitting across in the cafe talking to my friend and he was sharing his journey of faith. Filled with many wounds and rejection, this man had taken quite a beating. He had shared things that he saw as wrong with different ministries and been told he was disloyal. He had eyes that pierced their hearts. Oh, how he struggled with being critical in what he saw. He was so angry with himself and in his early years of marriage and throughout his many years he hurt and wounded his wife and son with his words. Oh how, God broke this man of pride and self-righteousness by taking him through some very painful experiences. God exposed, through one way or another, the fact that he had some problems.

Thankfully he had found a deliverance ministry that really dealt with some of the root issues and demonic influence that had tormented him. But after being there a while he felt that to stay would be dangerous. For they were intense people and they were always looking to operate on people. The next place God led him was a ministry of soft-hearted people that just loved on him.

I looked across from him and shared with him a double-sided thought. Being a Perceiver/Compassion person, it was as though he purposefully kept anyone from getting close. People would come as soft and kind-hearted, wanting to touch the pain, but he would dismiss them as not having high enough standards and being compromised. Then others would come and call him to account for blind areas and places where he had been too harsh or critical, but because they didn't come to him emotionally feeling his pain, he dismissed them as being uncaring.

This man is incredible. He is intense and passionate and yet he drinks in softness and gentleness. His heart is ready to pour out an emotional river of the care and love he has, yet he's ready at a moment's notice to deal with sin as harshly as is needed. He is an incredible gift to the body.

For him to be who God made him to be, he needs to come with a warning: "Prepare for the boat to be rocked." No non-sense, black-&-white prophet type, in-your-face, give-it-to-you-straight kind of guy. That's what the body of Christ needs desperately in this hour of moral uncertainty. They need a voice of passionate uncompromising moral clarity. Or judgment will fall and people will wonder why.

On the other side, for him to be who God made him to be is to be the most disarming, welcoming, take-off-your-shoes kind of thing, to rest and drink from the living waters of mercy, grace, healing, and life. Wow, when this guy plays his music it's like emotions of God invade and people are drawn into the bosom of the Father! That's an awesome gift.

Problems Early on in Marriage

2009-03-31T19:21:00.000-07:00

When I first got married it didn't take too long to realize that my wife saw things way differently than me. She thought about pleasing others before taking care of herself and she was so emotional about issues. She would feel hurt by something and I thought, "This is crazy! The person didn't even mean anything by it." It seemed small things were huge emotional things. And it seemed whenever she got upset she would clean and feel better. When our son was born she was on bed rest and went through an emotional trial like you wouldn't believe. I was so determined to do the things I needed to do to keep her doing as little as possible. She didn't like me for it, but I knew that she needed it. It was also, in my eyes, an identity issue where she was having to find her identity as a person apart from doing. Beyond that there was the issue of condemnation whenever she listened to a strong message from our church. I just didn't get it. I tried to figure her out and was told that it was useless. Guys can compartmentalize (i.e. waffles) but woman are like mainframes (i.e. spaghetti). This only made some of our times together more difficult. Another thing that made things hard was her refusal to reconcile with people she had felt hurt by or confront issues that weren't right. When things got real bad for her physically she couldn't lay down her job even though she couldn't get up to go to work because she was so sick. It didn't matter to her, but she looked at her body going to the flames of work as the ultimate sign that she was laying her life down for Jesus and people.

One conversation that particularly haunted me was a talk about driving a van route.

She told me, "You need to drive the van route, to pick up the kids for the school, next week for me, because I'm not able to do it."

I responded, "I need a more important reason why I should do it."

"Because," said she, "it needs to be done."

"No, I need a more spiritual reason. I need vision for it or I can't do it."

She said, "Here's a thought: do it because if you don't then those kids won't get picked up, won't go to school, and won't get to learn about God or anything else that day."

The next moment I felt as though I were out of my body, listening to my words and wondering why I said them (I'm being dramatic). Why did I make such a big deal about not having the right motivation? Why couldn't I just do it because it needed to be done, this was foolishness? It was not even really about the choice between doing out of obligation or doing out of delight in God (although at one time this had been the issue for me). It was now something beyond that.

Shortly after that we attended an Ancient Paths Seminar where God began to open our eyes to relational messages we send to each other in our non-verbal and we began to seriously consider the book Discover Your God-Given Gifts by Don and Katie Fortune.

We slowly begun to see so many conflicts were caused by a clash in MGs. I soon saw all my gifts were talking gifts and saw that my wife was a Server/Compassion. What insight and help it was into our problems! The light had finally dawned. Praise God, my wife wasn't crazy after all!

But I have Compassion...

2009-03-31T19:20:00.000-07:00

So I was sitting across from my friends telling them about their Compassion son. It was so funny to hear them come from their different angles. "No," they said, "the problem isn't that we don't care," I was assured. They really do care about his school work--they care that it is neat. His mom wants it done neatly because she has high expectations that he do the right thing (Perceiver). And his dad cares so that he doesn't have to do it over so he can have quality time with the family (Exhorter). Sensing that there had not been a clear translation, I cautiously took a step forward. What he meant by no one cared about his work is that he wanted someone to emotionally feel good about his work. (text fails me to share how that sounds. All I can say is that it is touchy feely or mushy gushy. As in seeing him write neatly makes you feel all warm inside.) I looked at my wife knowingly. "Makes sense to me," she replied. They were puzzled what to make of it all. I admit that had I not been married to a Server/Compassion none of it would make sense to me either. But God has a sense of humor, helping see through others' eyes.

Breakdown of the 7 Motivational Gifts

2009-03-31T18:55:00.000-07:00

	Built-In Detector for:	Key targets:	Always thinking around people:	Frustrated by others:	Asking themselves?
Perceiver	Grey and what's wrong morally	Unrighteousness and Lies	Where is compromise? What's wrong?	Are these people blind to what is wrong?	What can I repent of? What is the root issue?
Server	Practical needs	Things left undone by others	How can I meet your need?	Why aren't people seeing these needs?	What needs to be done? How much time do I have? I much energy do I have left?
Teacher	questions	Confusion and distortions of truth	Who has a question I can answer?	Why aren't we using the Bible more?	What is the truth? WHY?
Exhorter	problems and stuckness	Indecision and discouragement	Where's a problem I can fix?	Why are people so pessimistic?	What works? HOW?
Administrator	where are we off or wrong functionally and organizationally	miscommunication, disorganization, and short-sightedness	what can we fix? how can we improve?	Whose in charge of this? Why isn't there someone leading this better?	How can we organize this better? What does this look like as a BIG PICTURE?
Giver	what is most needed	Illegitamacy and inconsequentiality of needs presented to them	Where can I give?	Why are they wasting the resources we have been given?	How can I invest myself better? What is going to get the best return?
Compassion	hurt/pain	Hurting people	Who needs a hug? How can I make them feel better?	Why are people so cold?	Why am I feeling this way?

Breaking Down Romans 12:3-6

2009-03-31T18:45:00.000-07:00

3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. 4Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6We have different gifts, according to the grace given us.

Paul writes the order backwards.
1. God has given us different gifts, in accordance to the (specific) grace given to us.
2. There are many members (gifts) that make up one body.
3. Each gift (member) belongs to ALL the others.
4. God has given each one faith to be and do what God made them to be and do.
We have faith to do as we are wired to do.
5. We need to think about our gift in the proper way. Not too high and not too low.

1. We need to accept that we have been given something by God.
I HAVE SOMETHING TO OFFER

2. We have to accept that God has given us something to help His body.
IT IS TO HELP THE BODY

3. We need to have sober judgment about the gift God has given us.
I NEED TO RIGHTLY GRASP HOW GOD HAS WIRED ME

To some degree I am all three

2009-03-31T18:31:00.000-07:00

In knowing who you are (how you are wired by God) you will not think of yourself more or less than you are but rather with sober judgment. And you will do the will of God by being who are and naturally flowing in the ministry you were made to flow in.

PERCEIVER
Motivating Factors (How I Am Driven)
The Prophet/Perceiver is driven by a desire to confront what's wrong, challenge the lie, and call people to get into line with the truth. They want everyone to be right with God and are driven by the fiery passion to do God's will at all costs.

Rose Colored Glasses (How I See It)
The prophet/perceiver sees the issues at stake as choosing what's right or choosing what's wrong. It's a black and white issue. They look for gray and compromise like eagles looking down from the heights and searching for a mouse.

Built In Filter (How I Process It)
When a prophet/perceiver hears what has happened they immediately began to muster the strength and conviction to deal with the lie. They carry around their weapon of choice with a built in lie-detector feature. The weapon is loaded. It is designed to deliver accuracy, power, and penetration. When it goes off be sure that you have removed yourself from that lie because they are about to go after it and you with it if you hold on to it.

God's Anointing:
-Hardened for the glory of God and a forehead like flint, but not stiff-necked. (Jeremiah)
-Broken people that have gone through the fire or will go through the fire so that every bit of their desire for self has been burned up in the refining. (John the Baptist)
-Keenly aware of their own faults and having repented of them entirely they are not only able to be angry at them in themselves but also in God's people and the hard-hearted of the world. (Isaiah)
-Master surgeons with the word which is sharper than any two edged sword able to cut and divide and separate bone and marrow, soul (captivated by the lie) and spirit. (Hebrews)
-Zeal of the Lord and for His house will consume them. (Jesus)
-What they say they feel strongly. They are passionate people, not indifferent.
-Confront issues head on. "When I saw Peter was clearly in the wrong, I spoke." (Paul)
-Fire inside and have to speak out on what's wrong. (Jeremiah)

TEACHER
Motivating Factors (How I Am Driven)
They are driven by the desire to establish the truth in every situation. If that means more information, they will give more facts. They want the people above everything to understand the issue and be able to make an informed choice.

Rose Colored Glasses (How I See It)
They will look at the issue and immediately began to look around the issue to see what is the context of what is being shared. They will then after collecting as much data as they can on the particular issue, they will analyze it from every angle until they are no longer subjects but are standing apart from it looking at it objectively. Then after they have searched it out and satisfied their desire to understand it. They will compare it to what the Bible says and began to take the good and bad apart in a very unemotional way. When they read the Bible they have magnifying glasses continually looking at what a things means and attempting to answer "why is this here, what's the significance?"

Built In Filter (How I Process It)
The teacher will share the information in an orderly and consistent way. They will spit it out as information and just give you the facts. They are intent on not putting their own emotions or spin on it to twist your arm to believe what they believe. They are concerned with you making your own decision about the information you have been presented. They will share with you the strengths and weaknesses of certain positions. The will explain how wise or foolish a decision may be and give you many factors to consider.

God's Anointing:
-They love the truth and know it can set people free. (Jesus in John)
-They are easy to follow.
-They are testers of everything, they hold on to the good and separate out the evil. (2 Thess.)
-They are people of the word (Psalm 119)
-They are scribes, preservers of the events, people, and God's dealings with men. (OT)
-They are studiers to show themselves approved, accurately handling the word of God. (1 Tim.)
-All Scripture is inspired of God and is profitable for doctrine and soundness in the faith. (1 Tim.)
-They bring understanding. Seek wisdom and with everything you have get understanding (Prov.)
-They most clearly say what the intent of the writer was writing to the people, most accurate to text.
-They are lamp bearers that shine their light. "In your light we see light." (Psalms)

EXHORTER
Motivating Factors (How I Am Driven)
Exhorter is driven by the desire to encourage people to live victoriously. They are positive people that believe every problem has a practical, workable, solution. They want to push people into God's strength. They want to give practical things that people can do to succeed. They want people to become everything that God made them to be, to enter into their full potential.

Rose Colored Glasses (How I See It)
They look at situations in terms of how people are emotionally. They aim to get the truth into the heart; talk until they feel it works. They see things in terms of struggle and short-term choices. They look at people in the midst of difficulties and needing someone to come alongside them and say something that will get them to hope again and take the next steps.

Built In Filter (How I Process It)
The Exhorter says, "Whatever I say I want it to encourage." They will turn the hard word and soften it if need be to get the person to be encouraged. They will tell a person what to do and cause the person to believe in themselves. They will say things in an emotionally charged way to get the person to feel the hope and believe it can really work for them to.

God's Anointing:
-Holy Spirit is called the comforter
-encourage one another as long as it is called today so that you don't get hardened by sin's deceitfulness.
-encourage one another toward good deeds.
-What good is it if a man says I believe-I have faith but have no deeds. (James)
-Let us love not with words only but in deeds. (1 John) - Actions speak louder than words.
-Only thing that counts is love expressing itself through love (action) (Gal)
-Extended the right hand of fellowship to Paul and took John Mark (Barnabus)

Quote from Unraveling the Mystery of the Motivational Gifts, Rick Walston

2009-03-31T18:26:00.000-07:00

The Will of God
It appears from the context that spiritual gifts are correlated with the will of God. Paul makes it clear that each Christian is a special part or member of the body of Christ (Rom 12:4-5). Each member of the human body has a particular function or functions; for example. the ears hear, the nose smells, the fingers feel and grasp and no members need to be taught what their basic functions are. The members are in the will of the head by functioning in their natural capacities.

Even though the fingers and hands feel and grasp as natural exercises of who and what they are, it takes training for those same hands to perform a delicate task, like playing a musical instrument, for example. Likewise a Prophet/Perceiver or Teacher, and the others listed there must be trained in their natural functions so as to be more sophisticated and mature in their operations. Have you ever heard children playing instruments in an orchestra? Often the sound they make is more noise than music. Yet when they practice they get better. When they are finally capable of playing their instruments in harmony with the other members of the orchestra their hands are able to perform the joyful task of playing beautiful music. So it is with the joyful task of exercising spiritual gifts.

People who are just beginning to function in their giftedness may at first make many mistakes and they may even become discouraged. However given the proper opportunity and correct training, they begin to find and function in their God-given place in His orchestra.

People Types and Tiger Stripes
When members of the body discover their particular gifts, they will subsequently function in the natural exercise of their giftedness (position), and thus fulfill, as a natural outcome, the will of the head who is Christ. When people have a correct perspective of themselves (Romans 12:3) and their ministries, it follows that, in a general sense, they will naturally and automatically know the will of God for their lives. For just as the eyes naturally "know" that the will of the head is for them to function in the ministry of sight, and the ears naturally "know" that the will of the head is for them to function in the ministry of hearing, so the gifted Giver knows naturally (perhaps not even consciously) that it is the will of the head (Christ) for him to function in the ministry of giving.

Welcome, Friends, to My Blog

2009-03-30T19:02:00.001-07:00

I thought I would start out by telling you when I first heard of motivational gifts, I was less than excited about it. Actually I was adamantly opposed to the thought that I could be figured out. I fought my sister who brought them to me and would not listen to her accurate diagnosis.

The years have passed and most of my pride has been exposed over this issue. God has been so gracious to me in giving me my wife. When we got married we were worlds apart from understanding each other. I hurt her all the time and didn't even know it. By God's grace, she helped me to understand the motivational gifts like no one else ever has. I can tell you that this tool is helping my marriage, relationships with my friends, couples, teaching and ministry to needs in my local church.

Finding out who you are is only the beginning. It is in the application of this truth that others are helped. I am starting a blog so I can share about moments in my life and the lives around me where this tool is used (understanding the motivational gifts) to help and strengthen God's people to be all that God made it to be. To God be the glory!